Well my birthday was ok... i guess... meh it sorta sucked.

yea... I was up late the night before waiting for someone to say happy birthday, meh!
at least I figured out who thought about me more then the rest of my friends. Facebook really doesnt count, there you get reminded. So one close friend told me happy birthday, one close family member, and my parents told me happy birthday. And thats all. Meh!

Smiles, extra thanx to the close friend that spent most of the day talking to me. Even if I drank a little to much near the end. Shows how much some people care. *huggles* Ish really happy that they put up with me like that. *smiles* thank you.

I really doubt I was good company, but you made my birthday better anyways.


Oh I have mail to pick up tomorrow, which is nice, i suppose it might be birthday gifts, that is nice. Finally first piece of mail in ages...

Classes are firing up, which is nice... finally something to do that isnt mess around with models. I get to know how it supposedly all works.

Been Playing chess

That would be live chess at chess.com, now... its fun.

I screwed up, but wait... is that a checkmate I see??
1. d4 d5
2. e4 dxe4
3. Nc3 f5
4. f3 exf3
5. Qxf3 e6
6. Be3 Bb4
7. Ne2 c6
8. g4 Qa5
9. gxf5 Qxf5
10. Nf4 Qxc2
11. Bd2 Nf6
12. Rb1 Bxc3
13. Bxc3 Qxb1+
14. Kf2 Ne4+
15. Kg2 Ng5
16. Qh5+ Nf7
17. Bd3 Qxa2
18. Rf1 g6
19. Nxg6 Qd5+
20. Qf3 Qg5+
21. Kh1 hxg6
22. Qxf7+ Kd8
23. d5 Qxd5+
24. Kg1 Re8??
25. Bf6+! Re7
26. Qxe7#

"What about you, is unknown to others?" with the result Fear.

Around people, you appear to be fine, but really, you're afraid. You're afraid of people betraying you, being yourself, or maybe falling in love. Sometimes... you are easily frightened by little thing and secretly wish someone would notice so they could help you, or maybe for someone to always be there so you would never have to be alone.


great... I get the actual answer... lovely. Wanders off alone...

Behind this innocent smile of mine, lay words that go unsaid. Words of longing, love, anger, and hate, all repeating inside my head.

The nonfacebook version of my dream poem.

I hear it fading
I can't speak it
Or else you will
dig my grave

Take my hand now
Be alive
----------------------------------------------

its cold
the fridged planes
that accursed shelf of ice
where the troubles lose their meaning
the tundra is as far as the eye can see
it has these pillars of ice all around
like a frozen forest of tree trunks
endless, with numbing winds
I find myself in the center of this...
this abysmal plane of ice and cold
and Im all alone...
I'm on my knees, pillars all around me
I move to stand up...
I grab at the pillars...
I dont feel them... wait
why is the permafrost red?
my hands... they aren't pillars... they are spikes
the sudden color lets me see...
for that slight instant, before the pain...
all the people who care...
and then, it hurts...
how i wish they were here and not there
I hobble to my feet...
i try to move towards an icy pool
everything is so sharp...
my motion is paid for in blood
but i can see the twisted reflections of the pool
and I see the people I care about...
each in a world...
some are writhing in fire...
others in a plane with no ground...
while still more are in total darkness...
frozen in stone... dipped in plastic...
one walks while her body falls away...
petrified...fossilized...
an other as his mind goes to shambles...
going insane... reason failing...
one is on a path that could have been better for him...
the past could have been so different...
one is happy, she found happiness and love...
she has peace... in her flourishing valley
the next is with her, and they are together...
in the valley, riding through everything
but i fall, my legs, i cant feel them anymore
my head rests next to the pool
my tears freeze on my face...
soon i am encased...
the pain is overwelming...
someone help me...

Some cool quotes by different people.

History always repeats itself twice: first time as tragedy, second time as farce.

The traditions of the dead generations weigh like a nightmare upon the living.

Religion is the sign of the oppressed... It is the opium of the people.

Reason has always existed, but not always in a reasonable form.

The philosophers have already perceived the world in various ways; the point is to change it.

--Karl Marx


Our belief in any particular natural law cannot have a safer basis than our unsuccessful critical attempts to refute it.

It is impossible to speak in such a way that you cannot be misunderstood.

We must plan for freedom, and not only for security, if for no other reason than that only freedom can make security secure.

Those who promise us paradise on earth never produced anything but hell.

We all remember how many religious wars were fought for a religion of love and gentleness; how many bodies were burned alive with the genuinely kind intention of saving souls from the eternal fire of hell.

--Karl Popper

Reason is like an open secret that can become known to anyone at any time; it is the quiet space into which everyone can enter through his own thought.

My own being can be judged by the depths I reach in making these historical origins my own.

The great philosophers and the great works are standards for the selection of what is essential. Everything that we do in studying the history of philosophy ultimately serves their better understanding.

I discovered that the study of past philosophers is of little use unless our own reality enters into it. Our reality alone allows the thinker's questions to become comprehensible.

Even scientific knowledge, if there is anything to it, is not a random observation of random objects; for the critical objectivity of significant knowledge is attained as a practice only philosophically in inner action.

Everything depends therefore on encountering thought at its source. Such thought is the reality of man's being, which achieved consciousness and understanding of itself through it.

--Karl Jaspers

My bad... the beer is actually stronger then 11.5%

The Vetters beer, is actually 33%. My bad, now you know... Anyways it is nice tasting and good to have one of. One is all you will want usually.

And Blueberries are the way to go right after you drink all the water for the alcohol. I feel great.

My devil's night out

Gee, Im the ultimate waste product... well ive been awake for about 24 hours... drank a weisbier... a dunkelbier... 2 free pils biers... a weissehktbier... a vetter bier (11.5% Alcohol)... that was all in Heidelberg.

Then we found these 3 girls waiting for the same party we were...(10:30pm) had some vodka pear juice mix, talked with them... most of the group stayed at the club, 3 of us went with the ladies, one of us fell asleep on the train ride back to Mannheim, so he left us... ahmad and me, with these ladies. So we walked to the turkish bar... smoked sisha...(until 1:45am) had a little coconut cocktail and lemon bitter. Then we walked to the riverside and sorta just hung out until 4:30 am... walked back to the main station and then saw them off to home again.

Man ahmads gonna suck at soccer practice today, as for me... water, lotion, and food easy on the liver (like not spicy). And going to sleep... Zzz

post #1

Be amazed, Im actually blogging, damn what happened to me? why has it come to this?
I've been rereading my poems, and thinking about life, love, the pursuit of happiness. Is this really where I want to be? Why do I care so much about the world?? It doesnt give a shit what happens to me... so why do I want to make it better for everyone else? Meh, see how cheerful I can be? isnt it wonderful, Im just a bright light in the darkness aren't I? Well actually I am, the thing is you just cant see through the brick wall around the light.

Anyways, Im in germany... I am still awake (@5am) because if I go to sleep then I'll sleep through my alarm, my classes, and so ruin my life. The class in question is german. And otherwise I do homework and wish the money would get transfered faster. When I get money then I can do stuff. Beyond eatting and taking the bahn to class.