The yearly horror.

I was happy... or at least not miserable, not sure if I can tell the difference between happy and just not sad anymore... anyways. The person from the previous post... I offered but she never bothered to look, didn't trust herself to not hate me upon reading it. And I suppose it is just as well, then I don't have to wonder who reads this, no one reads this. I'm anonymous, another depressed fucker online. Who would spare my rants about life a second glance? Quite honestly I wonder why anyone puts up with me at all... everyone just wants to be bad. No one fights out the boss battle, everyone looks up the cheat codes. Well it applies to life too... and relationships. And I to date, there is only one person who ever truly said she would stick around through thick and thin... and I fucking abandoned her. Probably my shot at happiness you know? I don't need any ghost of christmas past, though ironically much of my heart breaks seem to coincide with the christmas holidays. I suppose I could officially note that janurary is break up month, oh... and I get to be alone for Valentines... though maybe I won't be, maybe just maybe it would be worth it to visit Elli.

No one would understand, except the person I threw away... and she has her children, and even if she wishes I was the father, I am not. It is tragic to see people I used to care about, and people I still care about do the same thing to themselves and me over and over again.

Tyanah, I know you'll never, ever read this now. But I can't express how disappointed I am with you. I can't believe my emotional impact on you was so little that you could do something that intimate with someone else.. It is a slap in the face to my heart... and my heart was only held together by the barest of threads, you've scattered them again. And now I must start over, I get to watch you slowly slip away from me... I get to watch you slowly fuck up... there is no other way to describe it. After everything you told me, and talked about, and said you couldnt stand about me, you've become that which you hated. And you managed to do it in less then a month... I shudder in my heart at the implications of that. I literally was miserable and couldn't even emotionally be okay with waking up horny... but you apparently don't have that problem. Seeing how you could let him have your V, and claim you in the way that we promised each other would only be ours. Maybe it was my fault, maybe that time when you were horny and looking at my face I should have ignored the bleak despair that gripped my soul and let you look at my distracted smile. Yeah, it is my fault. It is always my fault. If we ignore my feelings and let you get off on everything then you maybe you will shed some of whatever happiness you have on me. Laerith. Darkness. My heart is consumed again by betrayal, and my whole life suffers in response. I wasn't fired though, luckily. (unlike the last time someone broke my heart and I totally failed out of university)

The only bright light in my life, rests in a feeble hope, that maturity exists... in the east. And Vera... even if I cannot see you, hold you, or even talk with voice. My feelings grow more with each passing month, with each message... you helped me through my previous heartbreak, and I helped you through yours. My heart; tiny motes of crystal, is your's to make whole. When I shivered, and trembled and said outloud in the video that I loved you, it was the truth. I do love you, and for those I love I will travel to the ends of the earth, suspend beliefs, promise the unlikely and impossible... and in the end, if you are faithful, like no one else was, then you will have me.

There is another light, in all honesty i should consider you the brightest light in my life because you are still here, my first love, and she misses me. She and I have something that maybe no one else we know could ever have with us. Because of our childhood together, the week long calls, the dreadful fights, the kinky love, and the most emotionally charged days of my life. Our teasing today, is well worn, and comfortable. There aren't as many giggles, and you've become almost dark like I am when it comes to making love. There is also literally nothing I cannot tell you Jayme, you keep the shit real. No one else is like that. My thoughts have relapsed, and I think of you almost as constantly... like I only do with my beloved. But as you know, I have no beloved, and my mind fixates on you and Vera. You understand.

My previous post... everything in it, it didnt happen, Tyanah, you didn't read my blog. You never dared to see the depths of my despair, longing, and love. Because only those who have hurt... and suffered like me, really appreciate the words you wrote to me. And now you twist every meaning you have ever said, about never leaving me into always being there fo rme, your friend. Let us not lie to ourselves tyanah, you left me. Broken, again... and then did what all my ex's did to me, your even worried about obtaining similar results. What a nightmare for my heart, to watch you do it. To not be able to say "There's still a pain in my chest, but I still wish you the best, with a FUCK YOU"... you deserve that. But I cant ever hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone, I'd rather suffer in silence. I'd rather be in mental agony so that you can be happy... my sacrifice is preferable to anyone else's pain. Just like how I ignore the fuckers at school who tease me, if it makes them smile and get off, so be it.

I don't wanna be lonely anymore. And that is all my drive right now, I work... so that whenever I do find someone, I will be able to show her myself, raw... bleeding inside... and she wouldn't reach in to take another piece out, she'd embrace my pain... and suffer with me, just because she loves me, because she loves me like I have loved. And in the same way I would love her. Boundless, endless, naked truth, accepting, supporting, sweet, kind, forgiving... and not resentful of our pasts but happy rather that we found each other.


So my yearly update... Hell is other people, but so is heaven. I wish I could find an angel...

Vaguely Consistent Blogging?!

It is official, no one ever looks at this. Except, now, for you. And I think today is the day I show it to you. And I am honestly halfway overjoyed and terrified. This is my emotional history book, I come here when no one else is around to share it with... or when things are to hard to share with them. This is me.

Beloved, I know your reading this. Maybe it helps you fix me, knowing how I used to feel, or things I might have forgotten about, or blocked out. And your constant encouragement, and my telling you that I'm going to show this to you... I'm scared. Don't hate me for things in the past, because I need you to understand me, and love me anyways.

This is not love letters, this is despair and hope, pain, torment, and love. I hope that whenever you end up seeing this that you don't feel guilty. It took so much to offer to show you... I love you though, and I'd rather hurt then force you to read something that would disturb or hurt you. You say you'd read it... I won't hurt you. Not on purpose, not now. not ever...

If anything is about someone who isn't in my life anymore... it is past, you know how much they hurt me. And one was gentle and the other was... a bitch. And today and for quite a long time now, I love you, this is my raw honest place. I don't sugar coat it here (I try not to at least).

This is me... the crawling chaos. Are you sure you want me? 

Two posts in under a year? Happy Halloween

Wonder what is up with me, right details so that I (and you) know what is going on...

Giraffe, hehe, is well my girlfriend officially as of the 5th. And she is great, sweet, cute, and loving, also and very importantly she is weird, kinda like me. And there is this other girl, marta, she is cute too and physically present within a thousand mile radius... but she is so... normal, augh I must say I hate that, downright hate normal people, who go with the flow, who apparently don't have an iota of sense. I was fooled for about half a day when she actually came up to me (unheard of in germany) and said hello and seemed to care. Fortunately it rapidly came out that she is mostly concerned with appearances. So a lot of grief and frustration avoided because of my weirdness, and I must say... loyalty and love to someone I've never physically held. I felt this way before, and it is wonderfully scary, and terrifyingly amazing, and I don't want to change it for anything else. And I don't want to screw it up, which is also scary. But enough about worry, I'm young and someone not related to me loves me romantically. She is always there, and my days are stable again. No pouting, no depressive bouts, and no need to care what others think about me again. ^-^

Lets see, other news... oh right, I'm poor. Haha, and everyone needs money or is owed money. *sigh*

The weather outside is borderline winter, still wet and nasty! it is like it doesnt rain, just constantly mists. >.>

Oh right, and I've rediscovered Dungeon Siege, and I'm playing it through to the end this time, not just getting bored after the goblin caves. Favorite version to date. :) running out of things to say...

Happy Halloween

That is all, carry on.

P.S. Things that are from Wizards of the Coast are their respective property, (cryptborn horror, Magic logo, etc) no infringement intended.

See how bad I am at Blogging?

I'm going stop kidding myself and assume that this is this year's update.

I've stopped pining away from the loss of my ex-bitch-girlfriend (Irma), I can look at pictures of her and not recoil in depression. Spanish music no longer instantly reminds me of her, and so on. And  as she is super blocked from her own side on facebook (lol, I like to think it is because she didn't want to leave me, honestly who would once they got to know me?) I sometimes pester her sister who is still a friend with me on facebook (and real life sorta). This is good.

I've started working/apprenticing. I like it, and it pays well. I've not gotten past the basic metal work yet though, but I really like working with metal. Oh I'm going to be an electrician. This is good.

I've met someone on omegle. She reminds me of Jayme. And I don't know if anyone reads this but, if you are, and know who Jayme is, then you should know that this is a good thing. I was an idiot last time I let myself care for someone online, and I'll not be this time. I've known her for about a month or so. We talk, have cyber sex, cheer each other up, and generally all around make the other person smile. We are sorta both avoiding the L word, which is quite reasonable for a month (or wait... damn it has been 2 wows). But we both Care an amazing amount for the other. The only downside is that we met on omegle, she is about as close as anyone can get while staying in the USA. But honestly, I'd be willing to wait for her, like in real life, if she told me she was doing the same. Crazy feelings, and I've missed feeling like this. No not the jealousy of any guy she mentions that made her smile, I've gotten past being petty and ruining peoples lives by making them revolve completely around me, I just want her to smile because of me more then anyone else. Ah well my romantic side is appeased. She is into things that I like, but I'm not sure if she is into everything I am. I've gotten much worse since Irma ran off with some loser and got preggo (and they still aren't married, isn't that sweet?).

I've embraced my whole self. The darkness, is part of who I am. That isn't depressing. I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've started to push back, my things are mine (as 5 year oldish as that sounds it is an actual issue), as is my privacy, and what I choose to do with my time is my own problem. Don't get me wrong, I am as loveable as I was before. And as arrogant as this might sound, a girl would be lucky to have me. I'm a damned good person, I just don't have anyplace to focus my powers on so it might not look like I am. Do I want to have sex? Yes of course, who doesnt... but that isnt the point. I found someone, that removes my desire for things like porn. And I don't want to lose her. 

Gah, the whole post is morphing into an about her thing. Am I in love? Quite possibly. And I realized she is going to read this at some point. ... ... ... and now I don't know what to say.

Oh I guess I have one regret, but I think that one thing... made all of this magic possible. And I vaguely regret doing it, but I regret more that I felt it was needed. I never imagined that I would get this amazingly lucky twice in my life and find someone I could care about online on a chat site. And I can only imagine what would happen if we lived nearby, or in the same country.

The time difference... is a bitch. But I am so glad that it is me that on the east side of the globe. I don't know anyone (night owls included) that can function effectively on as little sleep as I do. So I take naps in the afternoons, and wake up extra early for work, just so I can be with her before she goes to bed (to sleep ya perverts).

and I guess I'll be blogging a bit more now though I say that everytime, but it occurs to me. I only blog here when there are feelings involved. Intense ones and there is no one around or that I am able to tell. So I just explode it all here.

Tya... if your reading this, just know that no one else I have ever gotten close to has seen this blog ever. No family, no girlfriends, no one. I have one friend who follows me and I doubt she has read these for years anymore (and if you do read them, send me a chat message or something so I know).

That is all, carry on.

Extinctor Fortis

Predator Sanguis
Terra Terroris
Torpor Ferus
Tremor Infernus
Timor Invictus
Extinctor Fortis
Es Angelus



Semper sequindo odorem sanguis
Ferrox currendo ex infernalis
Semper sequindo odorem sanguis
Est cerberus, est cerberus

predator cerberus
Qui vivit infernus
fernes armes
carmen hominis
mortalis

predator de fernes

fate

amo te quamvis yet.

In search of Nyarlathotep... or is it the other way around? ... wake me!

No quiero musica, no quiero perderme en los olores... canela y vanilla, humo y pesadillas. Quien quiere dormir? Perderse en los tormentos de las shoggoths o buscar al castillo de Kadath, qué cambiara las visiones a pesadillas? solo se que se como regrasar al mundo de sueño subir y bajar los escaleras, y pasar por Nasht y Kaman-Tha... despierta me... porfa... que Nyarlathotep me esta buscando... el caos arrastrándose ... Escandalosamente sensibles, tontamente delirante, sólo los dioses que se puede decir. Una sombra se enfermó, sensible retorciéndose las manos que no son manos, y se giró ciegamente medianoches pasa...do de la creación espantosa de descomposición, los cadáveres de mundos muertos con heridas que eran las ciudades, los vientos osario que el cepillo de las estrellas pálidas y hacer que el parpadeo de baja. Más allá de los mundos fantasmas vaga de cosas monstruosas, la mitad-visto columnas de los templos unsanctifled que descansan sobre las rocas sin nombre bajo el espacio y llegar hasta vacuo mareado por encima de las esferas de la luz y la oscuridad. Y a través de este cementerio repugnante del universo amortiguado, superando a la furia de los tambores, y se quejan delgada y monótono de las flautas blasfema de las cámaras inconcebible, sin luz más allá del Tiempo

So a month later...

Well, I haven't moved yet. I am definately changing my major, trying to convince them to let me stick around to pass math/german though. ... I just (right now!) got an email saying that any possibility of my staying where I am beyond August is out of the question. O.o ... Wow um... geee... guess that throws any plans I had out the window. Well as I was about to say I was going to attempt to stay here and study, but now... yet another piece of germany is trying to ruin me. First it is lack of information and now it is simply because of previous things. And I really have no where to go anymore... I should just disappear to a monestary... there is plenty of safety nets for germans who are normal... but I am not.

Guess this is just another chapter in my depression? I can't keep someone I love near to me, I can't keep a focus worth anything for studying, and obviously germany doesnt want me here. The old plan for this disaster would still work... except that things changed and I no longer think I can assume that I would ever be able to attempt it. I hope beyond a hope of a dream that I can move and do my simple old plan... I would be happy, and that is what really matters to me. Nothing is perfect, but I would settle for happy.

*cries*