The yearly horror.

I was happy... or at least not miserable, not sure if I can tell the difference between happy and just not sad anymore... anyways. The person from the previous post... I offered but she never bothered to look, didn't trust herself to not hate me upon reading it. And I suppose it is just as well, then I don't have to wonder who reads this, no one reads this. I'm anonymous, another depressed fucker online. Who would spare my rants about life a second glance? Quite honestly I wonder why anyone puts up with me at all... everyone just wants to be bad. No one fights out the boss battle, everyone looks up the cheat codes. Well it applies to life too... and relationships. And I to date, there is only one person who ever truly said she would stick around through thick and thin... and I fucking abandoned her. Probably my shot at happiness you know? I don't need any ghost of christmas past, though ironically much of my heart breaks seem to coincide with the christmas holidays. I suppose I could officially note that janurary is break up month, oh... and I get to be alone for Valentines... though maybe I won't be, maybe just maybe it would be worth it to visit Elli.

No one would understand, except the person I threw away... and she has her children, and even if she wishes I was the father, I am not. It is tragic to see people I used to care about, and people I still care about do the same thing to themselves and me over and over again.

Tyanah, I know you'll never, ever read this now. But I can't express how disappointed I am with you. I can't believe my emotional impact on you was so little that you could do something that intimate with someone else.. It is a slap in the face to my heart... and my heart was only held together by the barest of threads, you've scattered them again. And now I must start over, I get to watch you slowly slip away from me... I get to watch you slowly fuck up... there is no other way to describe it. After everything you told me, and talked about, and said you couldnt stand about me, you've become that which you hated. And you managed to do it in less then a month... I shudder in my heart at the implications of that. I literally was miserable and couldn't even emotionally be okay with waking up horny... but you apparently don't have that problem. Seeing how you could let him have your V, and claim you in the way that we promised each other would only be ours. Maybe it was my fault, maybe that time when you were horny and looking at my face I should have ignored the bleak despair that gripped my soul and let you look at my distracted smile. Yeah, it is my fault. It is always my fault. If we ignore my feelings and let you get off on everything then you maybe you will shed some of whatever happiness you have on me. Laerith. Darkness. My heart is consumed again by betrayal, and my whole life suffers in response. I wasn't fired though, luckily. (unlike the last time someone broke my heart and I totally failed out of university)

The only bright light in my life, rests in a feeble hope, that maturity exists... in the east. And Vera... even if I cannot see you, hold you, or even talk with voice. My feelings grow more with each passing month, with each message... you helped me through my previous heartbreak, and I helped you through yours. My heart; tiny motes of crystal, is your's to make whole. When I shivered, and trembled and said outloud in the video that I loved you, it was the truth. I do love you, and for those I love I will travel to the ends of the earth, suspend beliefs, promise the unlikely and impossible... and in the end, if you are faithful, like no one else was, then you will have me.

There is another light, in all honesty i should consider you the brightest light in my life because you are still here, my first love, and she misses me. She and I have something that maybe no one else we know could ever have with us. Because of our childhood together, the week long calls, the dreadful fights, the kinky love, and the most emotionally charged days of my life. Our teasing today, is well worn, and comfortable. There aren't as many giggles, and you've become almost dark like I am when it comes to making love. There is also literally nothing I cannot tell you Jayme, you keep the shit real. No one else is like that. My thoughts have relapsed, and I think of you almost as constantly... like I only do with my beloved. But as you know, I have no beloved, and my mind fixates on you and Vera. You understand.

My previous post... everything in it, it didnt happen, Tyanah, you didn't read my blog. You never dared to see the depths of my despair, longing, and love. Because only those who have hurt... and suffered like me, really appreciate the words you wrote to me. And now you twist every meaning you have ever said, about never leaving me into always being there fo rme, your friend. Let us not lie to ourselves tyanah, you left me. Broken, again... and then did what all my ex's did to me, your even worried about obtaining similar results. What a nightmare for my heart, to watch you do it. To not be able to say "There's still a pain in my chest, but I still wish you the best, with a FUCK YOU"... you deserve that. But I cant ever hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone, I'd rather suffer in silence. I'd rather be in mental agony so that you can be happy... my sacrifice is preferable to anyone else's pain. Just like how I ignore the fuckers at school who tease me, if it makes them smile and get off, so be it.

I don't wanna be lonely anymore. And that is all my drive right now, I work... so that whenever I do find someone, I will be able to show her myself, raw... bleeding inside... and she wouldn't reach in to take another piece out, she'd embrace my pain... and suffer with me, just because she loves me, because she loves me like I have loved. And in the same way I would love her. Boundless, endless, naked truth, accepting, supporting, sweet, kind, forgiving... and not resentful of our pasts but happy rather that we found each other.


So my yearly update... Hell is other people, but so is heaven. I wish I could find an angel...