Jiarymmae! please?

Well... I have this fashion model on the one side... and this all caring beauty on the other. Lust vs Love? Why can't i simply choose the right one? Shouldnt this be easy? It should be simple... I pick love... *whacks at brain* so damnit why can't I simply delete the other from my life? Why is it that I can say with full conviction that I love someone and not act on it?! I don't understand... I don't want sex... but I do. And i want more then just passion, but here I am. Miserable because of that one thing that two people can do together. FML.

Jiarymmae I love you.

But I can't have it can I? No I suck too much for that. I miss that up there. Will that ever feel right again? Will it be ok to hold or be held by someone like that again?



I can't cope... I don't have those mechanisms... what do I want? I don't know... am I angry? I can't tell... who do I love? I can't see beyond the red haze...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwdtfuKkN3E

Your being bad... Jiarymmae. I know I am in too... but my ways don't risk my physical health... a mosh pit? A fashion show and psychotic boss? crowd surfing, cutting, molesting, drugs and rock and roll. People with machete/knives killing each other in the streets, parents that don't care, parents that are gonna get evicted for not paying rent, needy father, conspiracy theory expert. The wall of death... all these things are scaring me. Do i simply pick whoever is still alive after all of that? No! I love you Jiarymmae. Please please please don't get hurt, could i forgive myself if you got hurt while you were mad at me? I need you so much, you love me, I love you.

What pops into my mind at the world mosh pit?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T7dnWB1BiRA
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o7w7m4lb2ok

I'm terrified for you Jiarymmae. My body trembles from fright and terror. I love you.
---

"I thought you were someone else this whole time. My bad. What were we talking about before I was crowd surfing"

I think my heart shattered into a billion pieces... who else do you share the things you told me about? Ijramyame!


My inbox is full of your messages... they will never be erased, they will never be removed, hidden, deleted, aberated, twisted, or anything else. I still read them... I love you.